Move Along, Homer: MOVE ALONG HOME (1.09)

It's the episode everyone loves to hate -- but would it be so Allama-wrong if we sort of loved it? Get out your klon peeg sticks and join us for a riveting game of chula — or what Sisko and company might call the world’s worst team-building exercise. (Just a fair warning: we pre-gamed with plenty of wine beforehand to psych ourselves up for this one...)  

🍷 Wine pairing:  Big Valley Bianco from Local Weirdos
❤️ Find us: On Instagram @deepspacewine_podcast or on Facebook @ Deep Space Wine Podcast

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro: Through the looking glass
• 9:55 The wine pairing
• 14:37 Episode recap

Transcript

1.09 Move Along Home

Lily: [00:00:00] Shap 1, Shap 2, Shap 3, Shap 4, Shap 5, Shap 6, Shap 7.

Cole: Hey everybody, I'm Cole Paulson. 

And I'm Lily Rossen. And welcome back to Deep Space Wine, a podcast that attempts to recap and decode every episode of Deep Space Nine, the forgotten stepchild of the Star Trek universe. Each episode , we will share a bottle of wine, wind down, and then wind ourselves up again with our strong opinions about DS9.

Because in our social experience, there is nothing people love more than when someone talks at length about Star Trek or wine 

Lily: Or Chula. 

Cole: The Chula of it all. Ella Moraine, motherfuckers! I think this might be the most important episode of our podcast yet. [00:01:00] Wow, explain. It's all about, The first formal, introduction to a Gamma Quadrant species.

Sure. And, Sisko says that First Contact is Starfleet's most important mission. Mm hmm. And so by extension, this might be Star Trek's most important episode. 

Lily: That's a huge claim to make 

Cole: I think this episode is grossly, uh, grossly misunderestimated, . 

Lily: Look, I'm with you there. Like I, for once, I actually did a, a little bit of reading about the episode really fantastic. Which I hope doesn't throw a spanner in the works of our dynamic of me.

Knowing nothing, and you enlightening me I did see that this episode gets a lot of hate, and I sort of, I don't know, is it that much sillier than any other Deep Space Nine episode that's silly?

Cole: look, I think, found this episode charming. Yeah. And, there are episodes of this show infuriate me, , that, make no sense. And this is not one of them. This is perhaps a little small. 

Lily: Yeah, I think maybe they had an ambitious idea, and then, well, from what I've read, the budget kind of cut out midway [00:02:00] through the season.

And that explains a lot of the I don't know, whatever's going on with the set. 

Cole: Yeah, this was actually meant to be like the mid-season. Big budget extravaganza. Yeah. This is the most expensive episode since the pilot but they're still broke. . Yeah, . 

Lily: And you can tell , but you 

Cole: know, look, I thought this was a, a celebration of the thrills of, of cross-cultural encounter.

The thrills and surprises of what happens when you meet a new race. it bring you back to like your first trip abroad, maybe back in high school? You weren't sure if you were ordering the right cup of cappuccino yeah, 

Lily: I don't know, like maybe the first time you go to France and French people are just laughing at you for existing.

They're 

Cole: Just a bunch of, mean French 

Lily: people. Really, they are. 

Cole: Well, I was trying to get in the spirit of celebrating other cultures. Sure. And so I did bring along Some gifts from the Wadi. 

Lily: Yes! Oh my god, yes! 

Cole: I brought some clown pig sticks.

Lily: sticks.

Oh my god. Gimme! 

Cole: They may [00:03:00] look like mere earth chopsticks. No. But don't be fooled. These are precious Wadi Klan pig sticks. You can beat them together. Now as the Wadis say, Klan pig sticks have many different uses. Yeah, highly sought 

Lily: after in their culture. 

Cole: Highly sought after. I do not know what any of those uses are because they don't specify.

But I want to encourage us, whenever we feel the spirit. Whenever we feel compelled to whack these sticks together, I want us to do so. I'm compelled. Compelled. 

Lily: Immediately. I feel like, um, look, we'll see, but I feel like they mainly use them to be cunty. Oh 

Cole: my gosh, couldn't we 

Lily: use that word? Sorry! I'm Australian, I'm allowed.

Cole: This is a cross cultural moment of awkwardness because My people are uncomfortable with that word, Lillay. 

Lily: And my people love it. It's a term of endearment. Yes. 

Cole: good, so we got our clown pig's dicks. I mean, tried to look under the skin of this episode a bit.

 I thought there were some compelling arguments about, employing [00:04:00] gaming and play in the arena of diplomacy. To really peel back the layers, I tried to do a bit of a dive into the literature. And there's a growing body of academia around diplomacy, use of gameplay.

in the field of diplomacy. dating back to the ancient Olympics. Okay. Up to ping pong politics today did you know how China and the U. S. played ping pong in the 70s? Yeah, I've seen Forrest Gump. 

I found, another, uh, counter argument in an article called Symbolic Insult in Diplomacy. Oh. Arguing how, one side or the other might intentionally insult to gain an upper hand. Sure. And maybe the Wari are deep in some stratagems about gaining the upper hand before getting into real discussions.

Okay, but then I realized that this is all nonsense. 

Lily: And I think, do we ever hear from the Wadi again? 

Cole: They literally just fly off in this boat. They just fly off at the end of this episode. They're off to Atlantic 

Lily: City. Yeah, 

Cole: oh my god, and they're still there to this day.

Yeah, 

Lily: they love it. Yeah. okay, [00:05:00] cool. Alright, so sports. Is that what we're going to talk about in this episode? No. Alright, things that I want to talk about.

I'm ready. Did you know that this episode was nominated for an Emmy? In Hairstyling Achievements. Yes! So I will be talking about that. 

Cole: This was nominated for an Emmy in Hairstyling? It was. 

Lily: Cause I saw it was nominated for an Emmy and I was like, no it was not. 

Cole: We're going to have to discuss every notable hairstyle 

Lily: yeah, bitch. I'm really happy for them, I think. I'm happy for them. Was it a slow year in hair styling 

Cole: or was this an exemplar of 

Lily: Wow. Wow, Cole. You're supposed to love this show. Look, so I did a bit of reading and it seems like most of the people who wrote this and directed it are fully standing behind it as a good episode. 

Really? Yeah. So Avery Brooks hated it. Right. Armin Schimmermann loved it. Really? Yes. And I can see why. he gets a lot to do. He gets the best moments. He does. Yeah, he's a dramatic [00:06:00] character in this. Um, and I think he also says it's the first time you get to see Quark really display some real emotion.

Yeah, exactly. Which is debatable, 

Cole: but. If this episode is to be taken seriously at all, it's the Quark scenes. Yeah. 

Lily: go that far. But let's. So the other thing I was reading about is, a lot of the people who wrote in the transcripts, so, like, I don't know what to do with my hands.

Now I do. They've got many so a lot of them talk about Alice in Wonderland. 

Cole: Okay, I mean I thought Alice in Wonderland, but I also thought Labyrinth. Yeah. That's the one 

Lily: I went to the most. Totally. The cocktail scene. Oh my gosh.

It's very Labyrinth. Yeah, expect to see David Bowie just pop out. Right? As the crazy wizard with the good wig? Totally. 

Cole: I was, stuck on the Labyrinth because I think aesthetically that was probably their most recent recent antecedent.

 Yeah. But then I think they were just trying to look like the Labyrinth on a very small budget. 

Lily: Well, I was reading about the set design, and I think they had really grand plans for it. Like it was supposed to be a village with sort of all these internal wards, the architecture was supposed to be like Gaudi.

But I [00:07:00] watch it and I am not seeing Gaudi. I saw 

Cole: no Gaudi. Suddenly the God awful. 

But these guys talked about Alice in Wonderland.

Lily: Yeah, so I had to think about that and there wasn't I mean there's a bit to it, you know, there's like the surrealism, the attempts to get home, sort of these side quests that she has to participate in, 

Cole: And doesn't Alice run into a lot of cunty characters? She 

Lily: does all major C words. And also, the theme of food and drink. in Alice in Wonderland, that's quite a big thing. The drink me bottles, the cakes, the mushrooms, and they have magical qualities and things like that, but I sort of couldn't really get. Further than that, 

Cole: I

think, look, we can, dive down the rabbit hole, but it might be like a foot deep.

And 

Lily: yet, this is not one I want to dive down the rabbit hole with. Okay, great. So, I want to talk about Homer's The Odyssey, the ancient Greek epic poem. 

Cole: home. I'm ready for it. I'm ready [00:08:00] for it. God, I love this. 

Lily: Alright. so the main themes of the Odyssey, I don't know if people are familiar, I read parts of it at university.

I loved the 

Cole: Odyssey. I studied it at university. Did you? Great. Yeah, 

Lily: yeah. semi studied it. Let's be honest. think I need to put my clown pigs down. Just for a moment. I'm getting distracted. You're a little too clap happy with those clown pigs. Um, so the theme of homecoming. the longing for home, which in the ancient Greek, epic poems, is known as Gnostos. this longing for home. Yes. Yeah. The, the theme of 

Cole: Nostalgia.

Lily: Yeah, exactly. the theme of wandering and the theme of a journey, a series of tests. 

Cole: So the hopscotch girl is like 

Lily: Cyclops. 

sure. There's. the trope of, being tricked by drugged and wine, but there's a spin on that because it, sort of actually helps but you know, 

Cole: it is a theme.

Yeah, I'm trying to remember. when Odysseus consumes food and wine. So it's 

Lily: Circe, call it? She's a sorceress. Yeah [00:09:00] Odysseus's crew are tricked by Cersei into consuming her food and they're turned into swine.

Yeah. There's a series of events that are sort of all at the whim of the gods in a way. It's all 

Cole: a game to the gods. Yes. Are even sort of placing bets? Are they having a chat up in Olympus? I think so, Like, oh, Odysseus will be fine, or like, can I go help Odysseus?

And 

Lily: then some of them intervene, athena, steps in to help Odysseus, Wadi 

Cole: is the Greek pantheon. Yeah. 

Lily: Yeah, so it's like they're a pawn in a chess game, or a piece on the board, or perhaps a little figurine being thrown into different shaps.

But I thought , you know, we could work out who's Odysseus. 

Cole: That's not Quark. Gosh, who is Quark in this piece? 

Lily: I don't know. It's not a perfect metaphor. No, I'm ready. 

Alright, so yeah, that's, that's kind of where I went. 

Cole: Alright, 

Move along, Homer. Am I right? 

Lily: You're right. should we move along to some wine? Yes, please. 

Marker

Lily: actually today I went [00:10:00] to a bunch of the independent wine shops that I like to frequent. and I was really hoping there would be something called like child's play or Move along home 

Cole: Do you have 

Lily: any chula? but yeah strangely enough I didn't find that but I did find something that I thought could be, could be alright? 

Cole: full 

Lily: faith in you Okay, so tonight we're drinking a 2022, Big Valley Bianco, by a producer called Local Weirdos. 

Cole: What did you just call them, Arty? 

Lily: Who are the Local Weirdos? 

Cole: To discuss, who are the local weirdos on Deep Space Nine? 

Lily: I think I maybe need to let everyone know we did a little bit of pre gaming. We had a couple of limoncello spritzers. 

Cole: Our neighbours think that we're the local weirdos. 

Lily: Definitely. so the last episode we were in the Loire Valley, and I actually have a correction for the last episode.

Uh oh. where I referred to Jo Landron as a woman. 

Cole: Which is fair, I mean, J. [00:11:00] O. 

Lily: Sure. But Jo Landren is very much a man and he has a beautiful, bushy moustache.

as I found out when I looked at their Instagram. A little image search. So yes, last episode, we're in the Loire Valley and, I've taken us back to the Swan Valley in WA. Back home. Back to some local weirdos. That's it. so this is part of me trying to prove to Cole and myself that Swan Valley wines can be really delicious.

and I did a bit of research and apparently Swan Valley Chenin is quite highly regarded. in the world. 

Cole: Yeah. Sure. 

Lily: maybe that's overstating it, but I think, it has a pretty good reputation. yeah, this is a textual wine and it's made up of Chenin Blanc and Semillon and also a bit of Skin Contact Semillon to sort of make it a bit interesting.

And this is from the producers. Fun and light textural white with some intense salinity and citrus.

Think delicious margaritas with a pinch more bitter orange, aromatic lift and phenolic grip. 

Cole: What's phenolic grip? Yeah, I thought you might ask. You were [00:12:00] ready 

Lily: for me this time. and I thought I knew and then I did a bit of research So, phenols and polyphenols are like a compound. but basically when you use it in regards to wine, it can be interchangeable with so you know what tannin is? I think we talked about it before. Oh shoot, don't quiz me on what it is. No, no, no, no, no. I'll just tell you. so it's basically, that grippy feeling left on your tongue when you drink wine. , and it also has an astringency and a drying sensation. , but this is from, the like skins of the wine.

 A lot of red wines, you might get that, strong tannin. but it's basically, less of, a flavor and more of a feeling. Ooh, I like that. Yeah, so it can feel, velvety, dusty, supple, or ripe. but when the tannins are really prominent, they can be described as chewy, rustic, or gripping. 

Cole: Chewy, rustic, or gripping. But, 

Lily: okay, so for example, think about like a Pinot Noir. there's tannins, but they're very light, maybe almost velvety. or supple. Okay. Supple tannins. Okay. It's not hitting you in the face, it's not drying your mouth, it's not [00:13:00] giving you that feeling of like over brewed tea.

Yeah, 

Cole: and I definitely know that in one. Yeah. 

Lily: but. something like, well, apparently this wine, which is, phenolic grip, you're going to feel it in your mouth. Yeah. And I think phenolic, they prefer to use that with white wines as a descriptor rather than tannic. 

Cole: That makes sense.

Yeah. I associate tannins 

Lily: with red. 

Yeah. But it is technically in both, but stronger in red because, white wines, a lot of the time they use the juice and not, not the whole grape, whereas with reds they use the skins. Sure. Yeah. Phenolic Grip. Alright, ready to continue on. I was ready. this is the perfect wine to be imbibed ice cold in your favorite summer park, poolside, balcony, boat situation, or paired with a podcast about deep space night.

Is that what it says on 

Cole: the back of the label? It does, 

Lily: yeah. Thanks 

Cole: guys. Looking out for us. Alright, should we pour the wine? Oh, please. It's a hot summer night, isn't it? It is balmy. 

Lily: Yeah, you can see that, skin contact. 

Cole: Whoa. Semi on. it's pretty cloudy. It is, yeah, 

Lily: that's, think that would be the skin contact on the [00:14:00] semi on that's in there. 

Cole: to the You did

Lily: Alan Moraine! Move along home.

 clonping.

Cole: Wow! My first thought was cider. Sure, 

Lily: yeah. Yeah. I think like a lot of skin contact has a bit of that yeasty flavor. Mmm. 

Cole: I suddenly feel like I'm, Out in a meadow on a summer's day. 

Lily: Instead of in my sweaty home, on my sweaty couch. 

Cole: You mean our podcast studio? Sure, that too. Ah, Alright, are we ready to, uh, roll the dice? Let's do it.

Let's dive into it. Move Along Home. Mmm, Alan Marin. this episode starts strong, I mean, there's so much to discuss in this first scene, Absolutely. We've got checkin himself out in the mirror in his dress uniform, feelin himself. , no doubt rehearsing that diplomacy speech that we know, he rehearses in the mirror time to time in his free time.

Absolutely. And he was robbed with 

Lily: Tosk. 

Cole: He

He never got the chance with Tosk and he's ready, [00:15:00] first contact speech. thoughts on the dress uniform, Ms. Fashion Guru? 

Lily: I love it? No. Do I appreciate the gold trim? 

Cole: I think it makes it pop, that little gold line along the top.

Yeah, what about the length, though? It needs to be odd. Well, Sisko agrees with you. He feels like it's a little baggy. Baggy, yeah. But, turns out you and Jake have more in common than you care to admit, Lily, because he too has been keeping an eye on the fashions on the station. He's got his fashion watch.

He assures Dad that baggy is en vogue in beige o right now. So then what's with the 

Lily: skintight onesie, Jake? 

Cole: Are you gonna catch a 

Lily: Bajoran woman 

Cole: with that? Poor Jake. 

Lily: He does like this funny little maneuver where he's gotten himself a little lemonade.

And then he sort of like rolls over the couch like a Casanova. Yeah, 

Cole: He's bragging to his dad about how he knows Bajoran women as he orders himself a lemonade with a straw.

Pops his legs up on the couch. That is 14 year old boys. He is a man now. And this [00:16:00] formidable display of virility convinces Sisko that he urgently needs to educate Jake on the birds and the bees.

But don't worry, Jake assures him, Nog's already brought him up to speed. And Sisko has a minor freak out. Ferengi boy? And alright, I mean, is Sisko racist or has he just had a conversation with any Ferengi man about women? Yeah, 

Lily: it's really problematic. You know what? Jake's about to learn that Sexy Times is way less about earlobes.

Cole: No, I was like, Jake, ask them to stroke your earlobes. Jake's like, 

Lily: I've tried. I mean, like, is it a part of Sexy Times? Sure. Is it the main 

Cole: part? No. I think the smaller your ear is, the less of an event it is. Well, Sisko insists on doing damage control. First thing tomorrow, after the big gala to welcome this delegation from the Gamma Quadrant race they've just made contact with, the Wadi.

Sorry, 

Lily: I'm holding a wine glass and trying to Lily reaching for her clown pigs. Do not clown pig one handed. Or is that the real [00:17:00] skill? 

Cole: let's see, let's watch how the wattie use these pigs. 

Lily: Get some tips.

Cole: I like that Sisko's a bit of a first contact nerd, like he's real excited about this diplomacy stuff.

And sort of 

Lily: surprisingly, 

Cole: reckon he's stuck on this backwater outpost, hanging out with like Bajorans, and he wants to feel like his job is important, and also introducing species to another, that's gonna inflate your ego a 

Lily: little bit. Part of Starfleet has got to be a bit of a Starfleet nerd.

Yeah. 

Cole: I did see a take online, that this episode is just taking the piss out of Starfleet nerds who, like, are kind of up themselves about First Contact. 

Lily: Totally. It is kind of classic Deep Space Nine where this would be a totally different episode on board, 

Cole: Enterprise. Yeah, on the Enterprise. 

Lily: but this is Deep Space Nine for you. 

It's taking the piss out 

Cole: of Starfleet nerds. Move along home.

It's very under, it's misunderestimated. I've said it once and I'll say it again. Yeah, so, he waxes enthusiastic about first contact. He makes this weird comparison of the delicacy of first contact to, , a first date with a [00:18:00] girl, which just prompts an eye roll from Jake.

And I'm with him on that. It's a little ick. It's gross. Like, aw, dad! and then he tugs on his little baggy dress uniform and gets on his way. it back. I think he looks good. That little do we call the, the hem across the top with the gold sequins? 

It kind of looks like your grandma made it with her Sewing machine. Lovingly. Lovingly. Lovingly sewed. Nah, I like it. bling. Yeah, we all do. so then down at the docking bay, the senior officers gather to welcome the Wadi delegation. is looking like a schlub because he can't seem to find his dress uniform and he's in a panic about it.

Dax and Kira reassure him that it doesn't matter, but then Sisko shows up and they were totally wrong. It does matter. It was a big deal. And he gets 

Lily: such a trimming down from Sisko 

Cole: about it. Yeah, Sisko says, I want things to go right from this moment. Is that clear? 

Lily: Julian, he really is just a sad little boy who's been told off by 

Cole: daddy.

This is the fourth episode in a row where they spend time in the teaser just [00:19:00] relentlessly mocking this insufferable fool Bashir. They really want us to know how useless he 

Lily: is. I had some whiplash. I watched an episode from season 4 recently and I had some whiplash. His character is quite different. 

Cole: well, heard the audience.

They're like, we get it, but she sucks. And what else? No, I love it. I don't ever want it to go. question for you. In this little arrangement, where Bashir's panicking about being underdressed, Dax tells him he's fine, and Sisko's like, you, you've ruined everything.

Which one are you, usually? He's ruined everything. I'm the Bashir 

Lily: in this piece. No, but where is his dress uniform? Come on. Where did he put it? Where was he wearing 

Cole: it? Did the Wadi care about a line of gold along the top? Well, 

Lily: let's see what they're wearing and see if they actually do care. 

Cole: Oh, let us see what they're wearing.

Enter the Wadi, everyone. We need to talk about the Wadi. Alright, Wadi of fashion, yay or 

Lily: nay? 

Cole: Nay. A million times nay. 

Lily: Alright, so in theory, I love it. [00:20:00] In theory, but in practice, not so much. But let me, let me paint you a picture. 

Cole: Hit me. Uh, dear listeners. It's an ugly picture. 

Lily: Forehead tattoos. 

Cole: Purple scrawl 

Lily: across their forehead.

Yeah, but bold, you know. Do 

Cole: you think it's tattoos or skin? Oh, I think it's tattooed. 

Lily: Okay. , from how elaborate the sort of the rest of the costume 

Cole: is. It's just like their names tattooed on their face. Hahaha. Like, we were too busy playing games, we forgot our names.

Lily: Look. I don't know what it is, but it definitely doesn't work. so the Wadi, what's he called? The leader of the Wadi? Faloww is the head of the Wadi. He's got some elaborate facial hair. 

Cole: yeah, I described it as, reject store brand Lord of the Ring elf.

Mmm. Like, not pretty enough to hang out with Galadriel. Yeah, 

Lily: so on that note, 

, they all have a beehive bouffant. Yeah. And let's just say that's Emmy Award winning. 

Cole: So, you take that back. Well, the men are reject elves, and all the women have like these ginger updos. 

Lily: Yeah. Right? Have they been watching too much Voyager? I don't know. in [00:21:00] terms of the clothing, there's a lot of shiny materials and velvet. and I wrote a little bit like a Lilith Fair in space. 

Cole: all I see in their outfits is Again, it's like you told your grandma, 

I want to dress up like a space alien. And she found all the shiniest fabrics at , at Hobby Lobby. 

And just stitched them together. to me, Faloww looks like. every IT guy who plays Dungeons and Dragons. Ooh, yeah. And I feel like it's intentional. he's like a douchey D& D player. Yeah, he's the dungeon monster. Which is sort of like, biting the hand that feeds you if the villain is a A nerd

Lily: I love it when the villain's a nerd . It's like they're 

Cole: having to go at Star Trek fans, Yeah. But 

Lily: I feel like it's a different fandom. I feel like, yes, in the Venn diagram of these things, there are people that like Star Trek and Dungeons and Dragons, 

Cole: like these are the Star 

Lily: Trek fans.

I like feel like they're very different things. 

Cole: Maybe, yeah. I feel like these are the Star Trek fans, these Wadi, who [00:22:00] uh, make model kits of the starships. Sure. And we love them. 

Lily: My boyfriend doesn't.

Cole: buddy loves them.

Yeah. And he's bald, so he can't have elf hair. Sorry. We better turn 

Lily: this into 

Cole: a Too soon. My partner. Um, so themselves I think this is actually favorite line in the episode. Maybe my favorite line delivery in the whole franchise. Faloww says, yes, yes, yes. Now where are the games?

The dude just wants to play some games. Oh, poor Sisko, robbed again. Oh, he's so baffled. so he shrugs leads these guys to Quark's. Look, 

Lily: he knows, we know this is going to be a dumb episode. 

Cole: pain is Avery Brooks pain is our pain. 

Lily: We're all at Avery Brooks. Apparently he really hated 

Cole: this episode.

Of all the actors, Avery Brooks would hate this episode the most. He still gives it his all. 

Lily: I'm team Every Brooks now, 

Cole: Listeners, I just want you to know that this podcast has changed lives.[00:23:00] Lily is now an Every Brooks fan. Alright, so, are you teased? Because that is the teaser. I am 

Lily: so teased. I am on the edge of 

Cole: my seat. You better be. Down in Quark's, the Wadi are clamoring to play some Dabo. Quark's of course thrilled, he's ready to get that wheel spinning as long as possible. , but he says, hey, so you gotta ante up, what do you got to wager? And then we're presented sort of like, three gifts of the Magi options. 

 wager option one. Clan pigs. Which are just sticks, as Quark points out, but they have many different uses.

Yeah! what does he mean by that? Like, what are some other uses of these? You could eat lo mein with them? Quark, like me, is underwhelmed with the Clonpigs. 

Lily: He's never had them touching his ears, though. 

Cole: did dismiss them pretty quickly. Maybe we need to give these bad boys a chance. Look, he's 

Lily: Latinum or nothing, really, isn't he? There's no monetary purpose to this. It's in the eye of the beholder, [00:24:00] the 

Cole: ear of the beholder.

They're quite satisfying though. I think I'm starting to understand what the Wadis see in them. Yeah, exactly. Um, well option two. Oh, excuse me. I also wanted to point out, That, I think, if this episode was going to get an Emmy, it should have been for the extras acting skills. Yeah. The extras bring it in this episode.

Yeah, they do. I mean, this Wadi woman who presents the Klan pigs. Um, give me a female name, Lily. Rowena. Let's call her Rowena. So Rowena, the way she presents these sticks, it's just like Vanna White energy behind this door. and then option two, we've got another, give me another woman's name.

Lelania. Lelania presents some Alpha Current Nectar, which Quark takes a swig of and finds revolting. 

Lily: What about the receptacle? . 

so it's the receptacle that the alpha chiron nectar is. 

Cole: Oh, I missed the bottle. . 

Lily: 

Right. So it's like a little olive oil dispenser, [00:25:00] but also looks a bit like a hip flask. And then that made me remember there was like this weird period in my life. Maybe must have been my, like, early 20s or like when you turn 18 or something.

Wait, everyone just bought each other hip 

Cole: flasks? That was not a phase in my life. It's not universal. I was too busy making a USS Voyager model with my father. And this is 

Lily: why I picked the wine. Because I was 18 with a weird engraved hip flask. 

Cole: And you're saying you had a flask that looked like it was olive oil. 

Lily: It Just reminded me of my youth. 

Cole: Tender salad days. 

Lily: Oh my god, those extras are acting the shit out of it.

No, 

Cole: Liliana is, Liliana and Rowena do some heavy lifting. So option one, Clon Pigs. Option two, Alphacurt Nectar in an olive oil flask. Option three, ooh, Faloww brings out a pile of colored rocks that you buy in the 25 cent bin at a crystal 

Lily: shop. No, I think they picked it up at the Lilith Fair. 

Cole: Quark is enamored with these [00:26:00] useless colored rocks. 

Lily: Sorry, I just put a clumpie in my mouth, because I need to hold my glass of wine, but I also need to snap my clumpie. And it gives it a weird resonance. Hang on, let's do it again.

Cole: Wait, I need to take a photo. This one's for the gram. 

Ow! The listener will be reminded that we had two limoncello spritzes before the recording even began. We are finding more and more uses for these clawn pigs. Many different uses.

Lily: Anyway, the 

Cole: gems. Man, those gems look cheap. Yeah, they are terrible. No Emmy nomination for those gems. But Quark's on board. So, Dabo, 

Lily: mean, how does Darbo work, also? 

Cole: I'm so glad you asked. Chase Masterson, who plays Lita, everyone's favorite dabo girl.

Yes. That woman has spent hours and hours and hours of her life at the dabo wheel. She will tell you there are absolutely no rules. And she's actually quite disappointed in it. She says it's a missed [00:27:00] opportunity. I think so. Like, think about you're on like a Star Trek cruise, you want to play some Dabo. You know, we've all been there. I think Chase Masterson has been on a lot of Star Trek cruises, and she's had to turn down so many people who want to play Dabo with her. 

Lily: And it's all there, but maybe for continuity they didn't want to. 

Cole: um, six hours later, poor Sisko is just losing his mind with boredom. Like, how many times do you even see Sisko in Quarks? Rarely. He got 

Lily: dragged here.

Do you think he's like a little 

Cole: bit buzzed in this scene? Definitely. He's been sitting at the bar, drinkin local weirdo, while the Wadi are just winning , hand over fist at latinum. Piles of latinum. Much to Quark's chagrin. Quark tries to stop saying like the Dabo girl's tired and then Dabo girl, another extra, just brings it.

Oh my gosh. 

Lily: That is some resting bitch face that I can only inspire to. 

Cole: I want to tip her, She deserves a bonus from Quark for this work. Yeah. And that outfit 

Lily: is kind of like an ice [00:28:00] skating uniform. She looks like a Russian figure skater. 

Cole: So Dabo Girl checks out and then grunt Broik steps in. Maybe he's gonna be trying fix things for the house.

Lily: And he's got a nice murky chartreuse sparkly outfit. Is it the uniform? Or is it 

Cole: I feel like 

Lily: it's Broik's own fashions. 

Cole: The Ferengi do appreciate some, , what do you call it?

Clashing? Power clashing. Power clashing. Here he is. Wow. Yeah. I didn't even notice Broik's chartreuse the first time around. There's some, chartreuse leopard print under there. I bet that is itchy. He's not very good at blending in when he's trying to rig the dabo table.

Oh, Broik. 

so Sisko. gives up on diplomacy, turns in for the night, leaves it to Quark. He gets back to his quarters to find Jake still awake.

Jake says, Nog and I are setting up a reactive ion impeller for school, but man Sisko is cranky and things escalate very quickly. 

Lily: Like, it's clearly not about Jake sitting up late. There's other things going 

Cole: on. I guess maybe just a few hours spent in Quarks is gonna make you really on edge about your son being 14.

And you 

Lily: were really [00:29:00] excited for your first, 

Cole: His first contact bubble has been burst. Yeah, so he's not in a good mood. 

Lily: And he's taking 

Cole: it out on his son. He says to Jake, Nog stays up late doing things with girls that you aren't ready for yet. Whoa, dude. Literally no one mentioned Nog and They're going to talk about this first thing in the morning, young man.

Yeah, 

Lily: in my notes I was like, actually the relationship between them is kind of sweet. You can see like an overwrought working single father. 

Cole: Yeah. when he tells Jake to go to bed, uses African American vernacular.

Did you notice that? Just in his, um, inflection he's not a 24th century captain for a moment. He's a 20th century black American.

Yeah. And you can see Avery Brooks, his favorite thing about this whole show was Sisko's relationship to his son. And you can see that like, Personal tenderness, he puts into those lines. Yeah, no I really got that. Yeah. I really 

Lily: got that. Ferengi, Lokar, Beans. Do you want 

Cole: to talk about that? 

Wait, who 

Lily: mentions those? he's all shitty because he's like, well you would be too if you'd been sitting in Quarks eating Ferengi low carb beans for six hours. And I [00:30:00] want to know, what do you think they are? 

Cole: To me they're um maybe flats, black eyed peas, like fapa beans. Like some kind of lupin or something, yeah, yeah. But like a dried out bean. Okay. 

Lily: Here's what I think they are. Ready. So the Ferengis just like eat insects all the time, right? Yes. So I think it's some kind of lave. in the like chrysalis form that's been dried out and it kind of looks like a bean and yes maybe it's seasoned nicely.

But it's definitely like a crunchy dried out 

Cole: So Sisko's really pissed off at Ferengi, and he's like I will not have a Ferengi telling you about Umox But 

Lily: snacking on those Lokar beans No more 

Cole: Lokar, gross The Ferengi love larvae, don't they? They do. That's what I'm thinking. No, you nailed it.

They're not beans. And now, now we've discussed, 

Lily: Lokabeans. Ferengi Lokabeans. 

Cole: Oh, Back in Quarks, the Wadi do not miss a trick and very quickly catch Broik in his chartreuse grandeur, rigging the dabo wheel. And let me tell ya, hell hath no fury than these D& D elf [00:31:00] RPG nerds who have been cheated. 

Lily: I just want to say, quickly, that I'm quite fond of D& D. don't want to alienate our 

Cole: fans. It's the show that's alienating the D& D fans. That's what I'm just saying. They 

Lily: made D& D is a valid way to spend your free time. 

Cole: By the way, the leader of the Wadi, Falow, recognize him from anything? 

Lily: Okay, yes, I was hoping you would tell me, he's so familiar. 

Cole: Well, you'll know from the Dax episode that, Lily's watched a lot of Ally McBeal, and he played I've seen some. I've watched some McBeals. apparently he played Ally McBeal's therapist?

Whoa. 

Lily: it just keeps on coming. I know. Is Ally McBeal going to be the thread that runs through this whole series? 

Cole: Joel Brooks. Joel Brooks. .

I want to give credit where credit is due. I think he's amazing. 

Think he does a great job because makes me willing to use the word cunty and be recorded saying it. 

Lily: He's doing it in a way that he just loves it. 

Cole: Oh. He loves it. I want to, I want to [00:32:00] slug him in the face. Yeah, but 

Lily: you know when, like when villains are just really enjoying being villains?

Like there's a lot of job satisfaction? It's like 

Cole: that. It's what Vantika was trying to do in Possession of Bashir's Body last episode, but I was not. It brought me no pleasure. So, Faloww and his crew catch Quark cheating. Quark panics. Tries to placate them with all these offers.

He says, I'll give you free time in the Hall of Sweets. 

Lily: you have sex on your homeworld? It's like, yes! Someone 

Cole: says it. I thought that was a completely valid question, based on what we know about these 

Lily: Wadi. I mean, it's pretty sexist. Again, D& D, totally valid way to 

Cole: spend your time. Going after the D& D nerds? Sorry. well, Falo says, You like our gemstones? some reason that line really gets me. You like our gemstones? You will have the opportunity to earn more, many more, in a new game. An honest game. And, um, Liliana? no, no, Thank you. Lillania produces another box, and in a flash, upon opening it, a multi tiered game [00:33:00] is waiting to be played in the bar. It's called Chula. Chula, 

Lily: and you know what? I actually looked up why they named it. I was going to quiz you on that. 

Cole: so dumb. Lily, we have specific roles.

I'm the one who over researches Star Trek episodes. so dumb, 

Lily: can we just tell they literally just took the first few letters of shoots and ladders. 

Cole: Chula. And Chula is no more complex than shoots and ladders. Yeah. 

Lily: It kind of looks like shoots 

Cole: and ladders. Yeah. Welcome to this game. Yeah, Faloww says you will start out with four players at the second shap Which is just an alien word for level. Yeah When I edit this, for each new shap should we have like a, 

Lily: Shap 2. Nice. 

Cole: Sisko's quarters where Sisko's fast asleep. Wait, but hang 

Lily: on. Only children enter the first shap, because Quark's like, what about the first shap?

And he's like, ha ha ha ha ha, only children do that, and smug laughter. 

Cole: And it is hilarious in hindsight, like, [00:34:00] learning what the second shap is, like, what the hell is the first shap? , I think Vala has a point to laugh, like, no, we're not wasting this time with 

Lily: the first shap.

We're not 

Cole: Um, so, Benji is asleep in his quarters, and Lily, you, you were so excited about Dax's quarters. Did you have any thoughts on Sisko's quarters? Oh my god, didn't even look. Did you not notice the um, like salt and pepper bottles filled with green and orange liquids on his bedside table?

I didn't. Hang on, I'm going back. 

Lily: Oh my god. Alright, what has he got? 

Cole: what what 1990s? Like, Bed Bath Beyond product is on the table. 

Lily: What are they? Is it incense? Is it seasoning? Is it I feel like it's something that smells good. 

He's got like a little, jewellery 

Cole: box. Yeah, what's in his jewellery box? Yeah, I'm trying to figure out what's in those Cologne vials. It's cologne, isn't it? 

Lily: I feel like Sisko probably wears cologne. Like, Canon Sisko smells 

Cole: good. I bet Sisko smells really good. It's canon. It is 

Lily: now. 

Cole: He's sleeping on those infamous triangular [00:35:00] pillows on the station.

So Man, you know, um, the ancient Egyptians slept in like this little metal trough that held to their head, and I feel like these triangle pillows might be even less comfortable than those. 

Lily: the trough, is it like, molded to your head? 

Cole: I don't think so. It's like a like this U, and you just lean your head into this U, like why did they?

Lily: I don't know, is it for good posture or something? 

Cole: Maybe. I haven't read those hieroglyphs. I was not expecting to go down this digression. 

Lily: Expect follow up questions, Cole. That's all I can say. 

Cole: I wasn't even ready to talk about the Egyptians. Don't introduce 

Lily: your ancient Egyptian pillows.

You can't back it up. It's a hard science. Hey 

Cole: kids, listen to our Star Trek podcast. We talk about Egyptian pillows. 

We haven't even poured a second glass of wine. Look I'm going to show you these Egyptian pillows. Here we go. Boom. Oh. They're cool. But do you want [00:36:00] to sleep on them? But wait. 

Lily: Oh god, that looks 

Cole: horrible. 

Lily: Look at this dude. Look at that mummy, he's having a terrible time. 

Cole: hard pass. Hard pass. Okay, good. What are we talking about? Oh, we're talking about Star Trek Deep Space Nine. 

Yes. 

Lily: I don't really know what other people are watching this 

Cole: for, but It's given me a new lease on my favorite TV show, and it's the best gift I've ever given myself. Well, sometimes there's not a lot going on, 

Lily: you know? 

Cole: I what did you just say about their hair?

There's a lot going on. 

So, Sisko turns over on his triangle pillowcase and wakes up. On the floor. of a 

Lily: really boring room. A slow pan to reveal a boring grid in 90s beige and pink 

Cole: tones. I do think it's the best shot in the episode. the shot from above, it pans out and he's on what looks like a game board. This looks like Parcheesi or like Trivial Pursuit.

Sure, but imagine 

Lily: if the architecture had been Gaudian. 

Cole: Imagine if this episode had been good. What? Oh, those 

Lily: lame 

Cole: purple doorways. Oh my god, don't get me, get me [00:37:00] started on these doors. 

Lily: Tell me about it.

Cole: So, , poor Sisko, he tries hailing ops, he tries ending the program, and he's left with no other option but to just start trying to open these doors.

what about the 

Lily: fact that he has his track order? 

Cole: Don't get me started on the tricorder. two things made me the angriest in this episode. One, the amount of time just spent trying to open doors. It's like the proto escape room before people figured out how to make escape rooms interesting. 

Walk through 

Lily: a door. Oh, that one doesn't open. And 

Cole: then He's given a tricorder. Yeah. All of our officers trapped in this game have tri quarters. Yeah. And it does them absolutely no good at the entire 

Lily: office. I'll have, you know that he goes to sleep in a slightly v-neck, purple, silky shirt, wakes up in full uniform with a tricorder, a tricorder.

Cole: okay, so, lots of door opening, , one finally opens, and our, our dude Falow is there, and he's just cackling deliriously, yelling, move along, move along home! Shap two! Move along!

Move along home! [00:38:00] Ha ha! Maniac. 

Lily: Lots of hand movements, and insane laughter, 

Cole: hands in the air. I'm getting Alice in Wonderland. Maybe a little, labyrinth creature. Yeah! Did any characters in the Odyssey laugh maniacally and scream about Shapp 2? 

Lily: Maybe not specifically about Shap Two, but I'm sure there was some maniacal laughter.

Cole: hears Bashir screaming and tracks him down. Turns out Bashir was just wriggling around hoping he could yell himself awake from a bad dream. Yeah, he was doing some panto. Have you ever tried to do that? Have you ever decided you were sleeping and you were trying to like scream yourself out of a nightmare?

Yeah, poor guy. 

Lily: I also thought he was kind of cosplaying being a damsel in distress. Like his arms were like shackled above him and he was like twisting. That's so true. 

Cole: That is his, , he wants to be the hero but he's more damsel in distress over and over again. Um, Kira and Dax rush in. Turns out the four of them are all trapped in this, mysterious place.

the Starfleet officers immediately start trying to make sense of it. is this a behavioral test? Are we all [00:39:00] rats in a maze? And oh man, Kira meanwhile is just losing her shit. 

Lily: she's like, I've got a few lines in this episode, and I will make them 

Cole: mine. She's like, I'm sure all you Starfleet explorers find this absolutely fascinating, but I'm a Bajoran administrator, she says proudly.

This is not what I signed up for. Yeah, 

Lily: and it's kind of funny, because it's like, hell yeah. This is some, like, Star Trek nerdy 

Cole: shit. Yeah, all the Starfleet officers are like, Ooh, we're ready for this. Like, what strange experiment are the aliens playing? I'm a freedom fighter, clerk, administrator.

I don't do alien mind games. And the hairs on top of her head are just they remind me of the hairs on top of a quail. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, 

Lily: she's got massive angry quail thighs. 

Cole: Sorry 

Lily: Sorry, Nana.

Cole: know those angry quails. Jadzia, meanwhile, has forgotten all the horror tropes from last episode because she suggests they split up and try to find a way out.

Mmm, girl. 

Lily: then just another bit where you kick Bishia when he's [00:40:00] down. Sisko's like, and if all else fails? Just yell again, Doctor, we'll find you. 

Cole: I love that. There's a little twinkle in Sisko's eye when he says it. He 

Lily: loves it. Poor Bashir. He's like, the one good part of this day is that I get to tell Bashir that he is absolutely fucking useless. 

Cole: So, we cut to Odo's office. Jake and tells Odo that his dad seems to be missing. and this scene is, is relevant for one very important thing. 

Lily: Because their outfits are matching in tone.

Cole: matching. Jake, the suave fashionista who knows that baggy is in on beige or is wearing like this skin tight, like coffee bean colored, like brown on brown on brown.

It's brown on brown. 

Lily: It switches back to Odo, and it's the same tones. It's 

Cole: just beige on brown on beige. And 

Lily: And neither of them 

is in autumn, and it's 

Cole: submitted this for a Costume Emmy consideration, but it make the cut? Dunno why. 

Odo says now run along back to school, but he can't because why? Keiko is [00:41:00] still back on earth at the party of the mother effin century. Party of the century, literally. listeners, if you're just tuning in now, let me catch you up to speed. The O'Brien family. has been raging on earth for the last three episodes at this lit party for Keiko's mom's 100th birthday.

Lily: I need to know what happened at that party. We all need to know. 

Cole: We all need to know how Keiko's mom is 100, and how this party just has no end in sight. Is 

Lily: it just outrageous? What are they doing? Are they at the onsen? 

Cole: I need to know. I think it's just sake bombs all day all night. And then the karaoke's coming out.

Yes. 

And O'Brien's swirling back the Guinness, singing some Irish, folk ballads. Look, have you been to Japan? 

Lily: Yes. They party 

Cole: hard. Exactly. Yeah, they're having a blast. 

Well, what's actually happening is that Colummini was shooting a film and I tried to figure out what was so important and I'm pretty sure it was this film called The Snapper, which, fun fact, got him nominated for Best Actor at the Golden [00:42:00] Globes.

Wow. Right? Well spent. think it was totally worth it. He lost the Golden Globe to Robin Williams for Mrs. Doubtfire. Alright, sure. Which is fair. Sure. But, well done Colum. 

Lily: The Arbiter was in Mrs. Doubtfire.

Cole: full circle. It's all coming together. We're referencing episode 6, Dax.

It's all, it's The 90s are back everyone. Yeah. The 90s are 

back. 

Lily: Did we ever leave the 90s? What year is this? All right.

Cole: sO, O'Briens are having fun Jake says he's gonna go to the, airlock and watch the cute Bajoran girls and their baggy pants come 

Lily: in. Yep, he and Nog have a plan to just go be creepy and scare 

Cole: at women.

I mean, a 14 year old's gonna 14 year old, you know? Odo has kind 

Lily: of a good rapport with him. Weirdly, for someone that doesn't like children. 

Cole: Does he? 

Lily: Yes! Maybe it's just because their clothes are matching. I feel like they're simpatico.

Cole: Someone 

Lily: understands me. As in he's not being like, 

he's not dismissive. He's not talking down to him. 

Cole: he's like, I know why you're going to the airlock. You're gonna go check out the girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When do you think 14 year [00:43:00] olds into that? Like, an adult who's real with them? 

Lily: Yes, I think that's exactly what happened in that interaction. 

Cole: Yep, yep. Jake's just like, oh, I feel seen. And Odo's like, I feel seen. last time they interact, probably? Probably for the rest, 100%, the rest of the 

Lily: show. And rightly so, it wasn't that great. 

But Odo immediately jumps into action and it's gooooood.

Cole: Yeah, Odo on the hunt. We love, um, excuse me, Lily loves. We love. It doesn't get me going the way it gets you going. so if O'Brien is absent, that can only mean one thing. We've still got this shap, Primin, who is, this O'Brien shaped substitute. man, yeah, he shows up for two episodes. I regret giving him so much credit last episode because man, he's just so useless this time around.

I think they're ready to 

Lily: send him off. Like, is he drunk right now? Okay. 

Cole: Here's what I think. So Odo comes up to the bridge, and do you want to tell us what happens? No, 

Lily: no, no, you go, and then give you my hot 

Cole: take. I mean, Odo comes up first thing, and Primmon's like, [00:44:00] Constable Odo! 

Lily: He's doing a bit. He's trying out doing a bit.

Oh my god, look how bufante his hair is in this episode. 

Cole: why is he such a douchebag to Odo? 

Lily: Well, I just feel like he's 

Cole: trying to 

Lily: build rapport. He's trying to build rapport by doing like a little bit of a bit, which is totally misguided. But yeah, he's in a good mood. And I think the reason he's in a good mood is cause he thinks there's just some really good tea.

Cole: Yep. He's waiting for the tea because he, hasn't thought twice about the fact that none of the senior officers have shown up for duty because he heard that the Wadi party last night in Quark's was going off. Yeah, he's like, 

Lily: but there's some stories to tell. 

Cole: Yeah, he's thinking like Jadzia and like Faloww and Rowena Did 

Lily: some 

Cole: shaps. They made it to shaps six last night, you know what I'm saying? they moved along to home base. 

Lily: Hang on, you're about to snap, [00:45:00] but I'm going to

Cole: But Odo's pissed and he's like, dude, all of our senior staff are missing. You moron. We need to fix this. 

Lily: Don't call me constable. I'm chief of security. 

Cole: Oh, okay. Constable. Yeah. So, we return to Quarks, where the Wari have now moved on whacking each other's clawn pig sticks. 

Lily: It's great. It's kind of like the stage we're at right now. Like, Klan pigs are getting Klan ed all over the shop.

Cole: They're just mumbling, waddy nonsense, which is sort of where you and I are at too. Totally. 

Lily: Oh, and hang on, ones like kind of putting it in a shirt, putting it in like a little dispenser, handing it to other people. Extras are extra. 

Cole: Extras are extra. The clumpings are going off, y'all. Faloww badgers Quark into making a wager and taking his first roll without explaining any of the rules. He says, you're required to learn as you play. so, Quark wisely bets low,[00:46:00] 

and and Your pieces will meet the Chandra!

Lily: What is the Chandra?

 Mmm, is that good or is that bad, Quark says, and Faloww says, both. Oh! He's so He loves messing with people's minds, this Faloww creature. But get your sticks out, Lily, because things are about to get interesting! By the way, crucial line in this episode, Quark says, I don't understand. Faloww says, Ah, but there's the key. Some will never understand while others will consider it mere child's play. Best way to sum up this episode, best way to sum up our podcast.

Cole: If you don't get it, you never will. Yeah, 

Lily: it's true. Like, hate is gonna hate. 

Cole: Clon pig's gonna whack. 

Lily: You 

Cole: So, time to meet the Chandra. back in the game. I mean, let's talk about some of the most powerful scenes in all Star Trek. We've got, Picard turned into a Borg.

We've got Spock sacrificing himself to save [00:47:00] the Enterprise. And we've got Ala Moraine. Do we? Do we? Sisko's wandering around hitting door buttons. He hears a girl chanting. Speaking of horror tropes This is a Shining 8 year old, huh? Oh my gosh. Creepy, 

Lily: child singing. This 

Cole: is a Shining reference, yeah.

all the officers run up and they're all staring at the stupid tricorders, which they do for half the episode. They open the door and they find creepy Shining girl, playing some hopscotch and chanting. we need to do the chant? Is that? Give it to me. Should I do it 

Lily: on pitch? 

Cole: Yes, please.

Lily: Alamarain, count to four. Alamarain, then three more. Alamarain, if you can see. Alamarain, you come with me. 

Cole: Alamarain! Oh, beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. I was thinking, should we try to start some Alamarain challenge on TikTok?

Lily: We should. 

challenge accepted.

Cole: So, alright, try to walk past this girl and there's some force field [00:48:00] blocking their way. But Bashir's like, I know what to do, check me out. And he does the little hopscotch steps. And right as smiling, a smug little smile, he gets zapped by the force field.

Such a schadenfreude moment. These writers love giving us their schadenfreude with Bashir. It's like they're giving the audience these little treats. 

Lily: He's a damsel in distress. He pretty much 

Cole: swings. The women catch him and wise old Dax says, says Bashir, You didn't do it with the rhyme.

And so she, imitates cute little girl and gets past the force field. She's a genius. And she just played some hopscotch and said a rhyme. 

Lily: It's like. the most obvious thing you could do in this scenario, I suppose. 

Cole: It's child's play. Yeah. This is shap 2, y'all. Keep that in mind. True.

Like, what happens on shap 1? True. 

Lily: can we just quickly talk about Sorry, 

Cole: they all go through. So, Dax convinces them all to follow her lead. and Sisko, Bashir, and Akira all do [00:49:00] it in this beautiful shot and I was hoping we could critique all of their efforts.

Lily: Great, I'm ready. All right, so first, 

Cole: that's right, I knew you would be ready 

Lily: for this. 

Sisko, he matches pitch with a girl. And 

Cole: has a gorgeous voice. It's a lovely 

Lily: tenor. 

Cole: Is it a tenor? 

Lily: Yeah, I 

Cole: think it's a it's just beautiful and makes this whole episode worth it. We won't hear Sisko's singing voice again until season 7.

Lily: Yeah. And you know what? Someone should tell Bashir, this is what you do with a garbage episode, where you have to do things. Show 

Cole: off. You make it work. Yeah, make the episode work for you. 

Lily: so then Bashir, he's like a, third or a fourth below? 

Cole: I thought he was repossessed by Vantika for a few seconds.

He just looks so uncomfortable. 

Lily: He looks uncomfortable. it's not a good time for him. but then Kira is totally tone deaf. 

Cole: I say, Nanar, Nanar does Kira perfectly.

And of course Kira would be painfully tone deaf. 

Lily: And look, to give some credence to her context. she grew up as a refugee and a freedom fighter. Uh, where was her [00:50:00] I 

Cole: will honestly say the redeeming grace of this episode, this is still a Deep Space Nine episode, and by that I mean the characters are well defined and you have four characters playing this stupid game, whereas on Next Generation, they had these less defined characters, and Deep Space Nine knows who there is. this freedom fighter being forced to play this game, and this, insufferably naive show off doctor playing this game. And, uh, it's a little sprinkling on top of a pretty useless episode. 

Lily: Yeah, and I think that they're sort of willing to take the characters places that make them uncomfortable and of make fun 

Cole: of them too.

Yeah. I I think a lot of criticism of this episode is its placement in the show. Like Of should be trying to establish in your first season, you have your characters playing a silly game. But I sort of decided it was like a team retreat. Yeah, like a trust building exercise.

It's a trust building exercise, and it actually happens over the course of the It does! so, to me, this is just a really awkward, 

Lily: Trustful.

Cole: trust fall. So, 

Lily: Human [00:51:00] Pyramid

Cole: Yeah, exactly. and I also sort of like, when the door finally opens on the other side, Kira, beams with excitement, like, she's almost enjoying this a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, it's a game. third shap. Alamarain! The little girl announces they've made it to the third shap, and darn it if she's not looking, just is sort of conniving. as Faloww and the other Wadi. She's like, yes suckers. 

Lily: this is the stuff of life for the Wadi. I mean, what else 

Cole: is there? By the way, I've watched the scene so many times that I noticed that, that child actor does it wrong, like, all the time.

She's doing like the hand motions wrong. 

Lily: Child actors. Like, was she not given enough Dexys? 

Cole: that's an Australian amphetamine. 

Yeah, absolute 

Lily: garbage 

Cole: that child is. So, uh, Shab 3, ladies and gentlemen. 

Lily: Quark. I just can't get over the extras. They are doing it. 

Cole: Look at Rowena! She's [00:52:00] jamming herself in between Quark and Faloww.

Lily: Pulling 

Cole: all these grimaces and sneers. Like, 

Lily: it's hard, it's really hard to watch what's actually happening with Ellie 

Cole: McGill's therapist. I can't take my eyes off Rowena. She's, she's my favorite. so, cuts to a commercial break off, Quark just gleefully looking at the new gemstones he's earning. And then it's time for him to path, the riskier path for more earnings.

oh yeah, and I wrote Vanna White Girl serving serious face in the background. Yeah, Odo walks in, trying to figure out where the missing four officers are, and that's when Quark has this horrible moment of realization. And Odo sees these four playing pieces in the game. 

Lily: Oh my god, the little figurines. Were you gonna talk about that?

Cole: Oh yeah! Prop watch! Oh my 

Lily: god. Bratwatch! 

Cole: Bratwatch. 

Lily: Is this episode feasible? It was a 

Cole: mess! It was amazing![00:53:00] Lily, tell me your thoughts on the four playing pieces. Alright, 

Lily: so, dear listener, we have four figurines. but who is who? Alright, so there's like a big red one. Kira. Any guesses? That's Kira. so there's a big one that essentially looks like a rectangular Deep Space Nine. 

Cole: It looks like a, like a robot, like a bad R2 D2. you think so? , 

Lily: See, I felt like it was, a figurative a depiction of, Sisko's becoming Deep Space Nine, as in like, he is becoming the machinery.

How does that look like Deep Space Nine? Well, it's just like a, it's like a weird metallic Kind of ribbed situation. 

Cole: It's imposing metallic and ribbed. it's pretty phallic. 

Lily: All right, so then we got like a shiny blue with two little forks. 

Cole: That's Dax.

You think the blue is Dax? The two blue towers, to me , something wise and imperial about it. 

Lily: No, I agree with you. That was my first [00:54:00] thought too. 

Cole: Okay,

Lily: so it's obvious who read And Mishinia. 100%. very clear, 

Cole: they're in the command. Oh, we'll find out which one's Mishinia. And you already clocked this. Prop watch! Prop watch! 

Lily: Prop watch! 

I feel like, actually, if there's gonna be a song for it, it's more like 

Prop watch! 

Cole: Correct. 

Lily: Yeah. so yeah, then there's the smooth smaller blue one, and then also a small purple one. That 

Cole: looks like It looks like an eggplant. Sure, yeah. it's runty and it's eggplanty, which Bashir just, this is like a, he's an unripened dick. Sorry. 

Lily: I mean, I wrote that it was a purple buttplug, but, 

anyway, we can take that.

Cole: When I said unripened dick, I meant, like, metaphorical dick? 

Lily: I meant a literal buttplug. 

Cole: is so much, I'm going to have to cut it out. 

Okay, we'll find out Bashir is. listeners, stay tuned.

Yeah, 

Lily: on the edge of your seat. Oh, where 

Cole: [00:55:00] are we? 

Lily: Okay. When we find out that Quark isn't such a bad guy. . 

Cole: Well, , learn that he has a moral compass and empathy, or is he just afraid of getting in trouble? I think he understands 

Lily: the gravity of the situation. 

Cole: I agree with you. I mean, he's not a killer. he's really not a killer. I mean, he's in love with Dax , and I think he just doesn't want to be recklessly taking lives. I actually 

Lily: don't think he actively wants to hurt people ever. 

Cole: He's willing to cross the line up until hurting other people. Yeah, agree. and that definitely comes through here, Ah, so he picks the safer path. 

Lily: The short path doubles the peril to your four players, but 

Cole: so starts sweating because he thinks he's got these officers lives in his hands. He chooses a safer path. So what does that mean? We're back in the game. figured out they're in a game. piece it together that home be the destination of this game.

And a door opens onto a party scene. And all of our favorite Wadi extras are in there drinking and boozing and having a laugh. 

 Poor Kira though.

Man, she has had enough. She [00:56:00] says, this has gone too far. so she just grabs a tray of vegetables and flings it on the ground. Full on tantrum. Thinking that flinging some veggies on the ground is going to stop it. That just makes Rowena and Ljubljana Lelania. Lelania laughing. Oh, Lelania is loving this.

Lily: what's the word? Derisive. 

Cole: Derisive laughter. Mmm, that is the word. Some smoke starts coming in. Wait, hang on, 

Lily: Bashir tells Lelania, Madam, this is no laughing matter, and it's like classic Bishia cause he's done absolutely nothing but he's fine telling women to some random woman. Stop that! 

Cole: I mean the Wadi are being complete dicks.

Lily: They are, but you know, classic Bishia ineffectual moment. 

Cole: think about it, these guys travel through the wormhole to meet a new shpeeshies, and they're, I don't know why I said shpeeshies, shpeeshiesh. And they're just laughing uproarious at these people who are now choking to death because the smoke is filling the party, they can't breathe. I mean, just like you and I watching this episode. [00:57:00] They're having a time of their lives. They are drunk as skunks. Yeah, they are, they are that. Bashir it takes pun and starts drinking some champagne flute. And 

Lily: Cisco has told him, Previously, he said to everyone, don't drink the wine. Don't eat any food. Yeah, because he has read, the 

Cole: Odyssey. Tell me more. 

Let's say we turned to swine. Sisko does not want to see Bashir turned into a swine. I mean, he's already a swine, isn't he? Yeah, he's already a swine enough. 

a whole musical number in the Labyrinth. Labyrinth, a party scene. I think it's the same deal. Jennifer is trying to rescue her brother, but she's pulled into this party scene and she's getting seduced by Bowie. Yeah, it's also sort of similar to when Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz is falling asleep in that poppy field.

It's like the allure of drugs, I guess, literally. but, mmm, move along home, twist it on its head, cause turns out you're supposed to take the drugs. 

Lily: [00:58:00] You're supposed to drink that booze. It's the antidote. Gulp it up, y'all. Much like this local weirdo's Big Valley Bianco. Is it the antidote? 

Cole: You're the 

Lily: local weirdo. I've never denied 

Cole: So, Shab 3 is just join the party with these shitty Wadis. Sure. the other officer has gulped down some Wadi juice and they feel better. 

Lily: It actually has a similar It 

Cole: looks just like local weirdo! like it's a bit cloudy. Listener, if you are desperate to know what this local weirdo wine looks like, It's this Wadi juice.

So they're all breathing again and then the Wadis start clapping in their stupid clapping 

Lily: With the backs of their hands, and it's very C wordy.

Cole: also clap. Yeah. I didn't know that. I thought 

Lily: it was like a bit of a stand in for the clown pigs.

Cole: I love that you analyzed the applause enough to link it to the clown pigs and I think you're totally right. 

Lily: They're back and they're

Cole: [00:59:00] Prop watch. but you know what this means, it's time for shap four. So, Alan Moraine, Mother Ephos, 

Lily: Quark, here's one handsome, gemstones. 

Cole: Okay, and then, it's the second time in a row where they cut to commercial break with Quark just gleefully staring at his gemstones. 

But did you see, , how he's literally quivering? He loves them I guess they just had to emphasize the point, but Yeah, he loves 

Lily: it! I mean, has he had 

Cole: them, what's it called? Acid 

Lily: assessed? Yeah! Has someone come up with the little thing on their eyes?

The little, 

Cole: A jewel? I know the word for that. The thing that jewelers look through to assess the jewel. Yeah. Quark definitely should have done that before playing this silly, silly game. Maybe he did. I think you're giving Quark a lot of credit.

Odo is still trying to rescue the officers. He and Primmon, remember Primmon? They scan the Wadi's ship and find an intense, mysterious energy flux aboard. I've been calling 

Lily: them Bess Frenemy 

Cole: Yeah, they and then maybe my other favorite line [01:00:00] of the episode. He asks Primmon to beam him onto the ship so he can snoop around.

And Primmon's like, but that's against Starfleet policy. And, odo is like, Oh, is that 

Lily: Starfleet policy? He does like a fake stutter. 

Cole: Yeah. Well, I'm not in Starfleet. Yeah, it's 

Lily: so good. Ugh. Grade A. Seaworthy. I 

Cole: bonds every scene together.

So he's like, is it against Starfleet policy to press a few buttons? Beam me on the ship. 

freaked out by this bizarre comedy sketch.

 he resigns his post and flees the station because his boss terrifies him. Odo gets on the ship, finds the room with the energy flux, works up the courage to go into this crazy bright energy room, and snap!

Finds himself back in Quarks, and Faloww, the C word dude, just smirks knowingly at Odo. Ugh, look at that [01:01:00] smug face. Ugh, 

Lily: He's all shat that. 

Cole: Odo says, the game stops now, but Faloww says, stop the game, lose your players. It's time for Quark to make another wager. he chooses a safer path again, thankfully. But, it's an unfortunate roll. What does it mean? What does it mean? What 

Lily: is an unfortunate roll in this game? 

Cole: about to find out.

Faloww is loving this. I actually kind of love him. He's such a smug bastard, but he's having so much fun. It makes me have fun. Are we rooting for Faloww? 

Lily: Kind of. Now that I'm a few Bianco's date.

Cole: So, yeah, little character moments.

Bashir's thrilled that they're making progress because he's a little esteem sensitive brat. Kira, living her life as a freedom fighter, understands what it feels like to move without going anywhere. So she is not feeling great. 

But then, Mmm, an unfortunate roll shows up in the form of some scary lights. Oh my [01:02:00] god, so scary. The lights loom menacingly at our players. Kira stare them down, ready to meet their fate. But they converge on Bashir looking terrified. Okay. Okay, sorry, I'm gonna stop you right there. Please. Alright, 

Lily: so, the scariest next shap is the sparkly orb lights.

Yeah. what it does is it puts a spotlight on everyone, like one at a time. Yes. but only one who it rests back on is the one flossy moves. And that's Bashir. And that's why he gets picked. 

Cole: It's like Liza Minnelli in Cabaret. It's like you are the weakest link. you and your Fosse moves. Oh, and Faloww takes one of the playing pieces, removes it from the board, and twist, listeners, it is the two pronged blue one. Yep, 

Lily: didn't see it coming. I was with you, though. I thought that that was, 

Cole: Dax.

Dax, yep. so that's too bad. fun behind the scenes fact. It's actually not fun, it makes me sad. With Bashir being effectively, , like, killed off this episode, it gave him [01:03:00] time to go film a guest spot on Next Generation. So he shows up for a random Season 6 episode of Next Gen, and it was originally gonna be Dax who was on that episode, but they wanted her to stick around longer in the Move Along home game, and Terry Farrell said she cried when they broke the news.

I mean, yeah. She was gonna have like a scene with Data and Geordi looking at some device. 

Lily: They could have teased the whole Worf 

Cole: romance thing. That would have been amazing. 

Lily: But no, Classic failing upwards Bashir. 

Cole: Because he was Fosse ing in Chula. Doing 

Lily: some Fosse neck and then 

Cole: there he goes.

 Man, 

Lily: so. figurine 

Cole: Blue Figurine is out, Bashir has disappeared from the game, and Sisko gets his, Kirk and Khan moment. He just looks up into the sky and yells, FalowW!

Oh, great, yeah. Poor Odo, he's trying to make sense of what just happened. Faloww's just smirking at him. Quark convinces Odo that [01:04:00] it is time to take the shortcut. Even though it's riskier. He says, Odo, I've got a knack for these things.

Trust the gambler. 

Lily: He's all, you gotta know when to hold him. Know when to fold him. 

Cole: Know when to walk away. Did you have in your notes, start singing Kenny Rogers? 

Lily: I just wrote, you gotta know when to hold em, and then I also drank some wine, so I gave that.

You better count 

Cole: your money. Sorry. So, Odo and Quark have this heated lover's moment about whether to take the longer safe option or riskier option now that they're in.

Fourth shap? is this fifth shap now? I think I think we're in fifth shap territory. Shap. Five 

Quark makes Odo blow on his dice before rolling.

Lily: This is my favorite part of the whole episode. Okay. Quark's been blowing on his own dice, you know, because he's a seasoned gambler, um, he knows when to hold him and when to fold him. but he [01:05:00] convinces Odo trust me, I'm a gambler. I can do this. I just have to take a risk. and then it's like a scene in a. Scorsese movie. It's like, here is the love of my life, my bit on the side maybe, but also the love of my life. 

Cole: His mall, do you know what a mall is? M O L L. Like Gangster's Girlfriend. Yes. 

Lily: I guess that's what I'm thinking of, but I think to Quark, Odo is like his lucky charm. He gets Odo to blow on the dice and it's this beautiful moment between them.

Cole: 

It's a shame that Odo doesn't have a breath, and maybe that's why the role is so terrible.

But he does it! 

Lily: He does it for 

Cole: Quark. It's like it sort of consummated their love in that single breath. It is 

Lily: charged. Ha! Yeah, 

Cole: But what's the role? Theolo. Theolo. what does that mean? Sacrifice one so that two may live. Quark says, I'm not willing to do that, and Philo says, if you don't select someone to be sacrificed, you lose all your players.

So suddenly, Quark is told he has to choose one of the [01:06:00] players to sacrifice, and the poor guy loses his mind. 

Lily: It's like the trolley problem.

Cole: It is the Charlie problem. Yeah, he gets on his knees and starts begging. He does that little Ferengi begging thing with his wrists clapped together. Literally grovels is what I write. Yes, and I guess the question is, going on for him as he's groveling?

Because it is the dramatic apex of the episode. And when I watched, it was the only time I felt like anything real was happening. It had some stakes, didn't it? They gave Quark this moment of 

Lily: stakes. So, I think this comes back to Quark's character as someone morally ambiguous. Definitely. you know, potentially do deals that maybe have a lead on effect that harms people, right?

So he's willing to steal, like, medicine, or like, he's willing to 

Cole: As long as he's not directly responsible. Exactly. I think 

Lily: that that still perhaps fits with his own moral 

Cole: code. and I don't 

Lily: think the Ferengi are actually known as like a murderous kind of people.

They're just cutthroat, um, businessmen. Yep, 

Cole: for sure. Yeah, they're not pirates, they're businessmen. 

Lily: Exactly. 

so I think that for Quark, this is a total [01:07:00] moral conundrum. That he actually doesn't want to be the person to decide who lives and who dies. 

Cole: some pretty good essays online about this episode.

I think so many people are trying to figure out why it's hated. But, someone argues that, like, it shows Quark to be the true anti hero because there's nothing less heroic than, like, refusing to make a decision. And so actually, this is Quark just completely turning into a coward in the face of Making a choice.

But I think he's just terrified of the consequences. 

Lily: I think he's terrified of the consequences. 

Cole: He doesn't want the guilt. Yeah, 

Lily: I don't even think it's so selfish, I mean, he is self motivated. But I think that, in the moment, who among us, as humans who are stand ins for Ferengi, or Ferengi who are stand ins for humans, who among us would be happy making the choice of Of four people that you know, you now have to pick two people who 

Cole: have to die.

It's awful, and Quark is I was about to say, Quark is human just like us. Yes. Wait! Yes. but 

Lily: I feel it, I feel the emotion. Yeah. I can see the Shakespearean 

Cole: actor behind this. It reminded me of every adaptation [01:08:00] of a Christmas carol, when Scrooge is at his own, tombstone. Like, please, I can repent, I can do good, 

Lily: future Christmas ghost.

A bit of a Michael Caine and the Muppets Christmas carol 

Cole: moment. The best adaptation for all time. with regrets to Patrick Stewart. Yeah. No, no. It's Muppets Christmas carol, my 

Lily: friends. It's good, but you know, the songs do not slap. 

Cole: What, what, what? Alright, we don't have time for this. We do not have time for this digression, but wow. It's in the singing of a street corner choir. 

It's true wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas. Okay, 

Lily: that's a 

Cole: banger.

Plus us all, who gather here, who kindly, mm, uh, dammit, it's just mm, uh, 

Lily: uh, uh. I broke my point. 

Cole: When the old folk poet kills you, chills you to the bone. And there's nothing at all that freezes a heart in years of being alone. nee scrooge. Here comes Mr. Humbug. Here comes Mr. Cruel. If they gave a prize for being mean, [01:09:00] the winner would be him.

If he became a flavor, you can bet he would be sour. Even the vegetables don't like him. 

 Paulson family watches it every December 

Lily: to this day. Look, I'm aware it's a beloved piece of content, and I did not grow up with it. 

Cole: Anyway. We digress. 

the love is gone. The love is gone. That song sucks. Yes! Okay. So. The owl is. is groveling so much. Fowler's just annoyed with him enough that he relents he says don't worry. You don't have to sacrifice anyone dot dot dot We'll just program the game to select one at random 

But Quark is still going to be responsible for killing one of the senior officers at the station. So back in the game, the remaining three hear Bashir's voice in the distance calling them, saying he's found the way home. Jadzia opens a door that leads to a field of rocks and[01:10:00] a shadow that looks like Bashir in the distance beckoning her.

But as soon as she walks in, there's an earthquake she falls and seriously hurts her leg.

it turns out it wasn't the Doctor, it's friggin Faloww. He just steps forward and says, The Aloe, move along home. 

Lily: and Thialo involves a lot of voguing. 

Cole: Yeah, exactly, I just did it, but this is not a video podcast. No, one day maybe. He steps forward out of the shadows and does this vogue and says, The Aloe! 

Lily: Shap six! Shap 

Cole: six Alright, I'm done.

Lily: Move along home! And then two thumbs up. Classic! 

Cole: So, Faloww is just luring them into this frickin cave. they all whip out their tricorders as an earthquake is happening.

And what do the tricorders tell them? That an earthquake is happening. Right, so there's all those tricorders they are carrying Dax along and they come to this giant abyss. I guess it's a very bad matte painting of a deep abyss. Did you do any reading about this? , I mean. I just watched the Lower Decks episode about caves. [01:11:00] Yeah, it's so good. I was so glad because I guess caves are the cheapest way to film any sort of planet, which is why, especially in Deep Space Nine, I feel like they are always wandering through some caves. so even inside this game, they're just wandering around some caves.

what, what did you find? 

Lily: so like the painted Backgrounds? the caves? 

Cole: Yeah, the map paintings? 

Lily: So apparently this is the first episode that features them. Okay. Right? And then, for the rest of the series they'll be featured within the, common spaces and the, 

Cole: Oh, like, as, pieces of art? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Like, in someone's quarters? Yeah, so we 

Lily: might find it in Dax's quarters, among the brass trinkets. 

 Ah, 

Cole: I love that fact.

Yeah. Look, it's not, I didn't think it was very good artwork. Well, apparently Everyone's a critic. 

Lily: Prop Watch we're not the arbiters of these things. They loved it. And they paid a lot of money for it. So it will be used on the set for the rest of the series. 

Cole: I love it. This episode is a Prop Watch cornucopia.

It is. [01:12:00] It really is. So they come to this, this impasse, this giant abyss and, It looks very difficult for them to carry Dax across in her injured state. And the three of them have this very tiresome argument about, Leave me behind, no leave me behind. And they're all trying to be heroes 

Dax is like, leave me, seven lives is more than enough for a trill. Well, I think they 

Lily: both say, don't let sentiment get in the way of a command decision. Right. they don't say it, but I think that's something that probably cares on Dax had told Sisko.

Which is why Sisko and Dax say 

Cole: it to each other. Yes, definitely some advice from Curzon in there. And Sisko gives Kira an order, go on without us, Sisko's like, oh, look after Dax, go on without us, Kira. And I genuinely thought she would, because we're nine episodes in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, girl, you don't owe these guys anything. 

Lily: But no, they have done some human pyramids, that shit is tight.

Lily: Exactly. 

Cole: This is the end of the team retreat. Exactly. So they all insist on trying to get around this abyss together and, man, it's a long scene. Just , minute on minute [01:13:00] on minute.

They're just trudging along, gasping and heaving and inching past this abyss. I have no notes. It was dull as ditch 

Lily: And apparently, the creators, like the writers and all the production crew We're like, this is the most exciting scene we've had in the whole of Deep Space Nine. And this is the worst 

Cole: part of the whole episode. It's the worst part 

Lily: of the whole 

Cole: episode. 

This 

Lily: is why Dax isn't in Next generation? 

Cole: I am crying with Terry. I feel so sorry for her. I guess if it had been Bashir instead of Dax, they would have left him behind and they wouldn't have had this scene. Totally. And then the earthquake gets worse, and they all, in slow motion, topple over the edge of the abyss to their doom! Or is it? With a flash, all four players, not just them, but Bashir, too, arrived back at Quark's. Quark's two reactions, in quick succession, They made it! I won! but, Quark doesn't get those gemstones, because turns out all his players were [01:14:00] technically lost. Yeah, 

Lily: when they fell to their 

Cole: death. Come on, Quark.

Yeah, the room, Quark. turns out they shouldn't have tried to lug Dax along. Quark would be rich now, if they hadn't saved Jadzia. but Kira's pissed again. And all of them. They all suddenly realized they were pawns in this shitty game. they all realized that they were never in any real danger.

Faloww is laughing, saying it's only a game. that's supposed to be like the big, The big reveal. It's only a game? Yeah. Like, off, Faloww. 

Lily: I guess, arguably, the stakes could have been that Yes, it's a game, but people can still die in a game. 

Cole: Sisko's pissed and starts letting the Wadi have it, but then Odo for no conceivable reason, interrupts to blame Quark. he says, Commander, I think this is all due to Quark trying to cheat them at 

Lily: Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean for no reason?

This is like a diplomatic nightmare. Sisko's about to make like a huge diplomatic blunder. He's about ready to like, sever ties with this whole species. Totally, like, for all his And that's it for this talk of contact.

He plays one little game and suddenly he's like, you're a [01:15:00] bad guy. You're a 

Cole: bad man. Do we want to hang out with 

Lily: these douchebags anymore? But it doesn't matter. It's first contact. You have to, 

Cole: Okay, so Odo actually saves the day. 

Lily: Odo totally saves the day. He steps in and he's like, well actually it's not this random dickhead's fault.

It's the dickhead you know. 

Cole: It's Quark. Lily, you got me. I was hot headed just like Kiera and Sisko, and you and Odo saved the day. Thank you. And that's why, in season two, the Wadi joined the Federation. Nope. I don't know. 

Lily: we discussed this. They're in Atlantic City still. Yeah.

They didn't even make it to Vegas. 

Cole: Oh. So, uh, it's all Quark's fault. And Phyla just says, perhaps someday a rematch.

And then the show ends with the Wadi just flying off. Yep. End of first contact encounter. Um, time 

Lily: to move along home. I guess so. That's the thesis. 

Cole: Oh, Yep, one more Klon pig for this very successful first contact. [01:16:00] Oh, 

Lily: there's like a little cute bit 

Cole: Quark tries to franchise with this guy. Yeah, yeah, he chases after the Wadi. Like, let's talk, uh He's like, it's a pretty good game. Let's talk franchise options.

It's a winner. But alright, is it a good game? No. In review, the challenges were Play hopscotch, join a party, and survive a level 5 earthquake from the top of a cliff. 

Lily: I mean, shit gets real towards the end. Withstand a spotlight. I'm sorry. That's my favorite 

Cole: yeah, and also don't do Farsi moves. 

Lily: moves. Don't you farcy when you first see a spotlight. Hold it together. 

Cole: I think the Wadi are just a bunch of assholes. love the interpretation that the Wadi When they first met these Starfleet guys, they clocked their self seriousness. Yeah. Like just how seriously they take first contact, and they're just totally taking the piss out of them. I love that. 

 And the Wadi are like, or, you can some shaps. You can do 

Lily: some shaps. shaps, 

Cole: chaps.

Everybody take some shaps. I am a millennial. [01:17:00] someone I saw called this Calvin Ball. like, it's um, Calvin and Hobbes favourite game, and they make the rules up as they go. And it's just, like, are there any rules to this game, guys? It's just utter chaos, but the goal is to humiliate. Yeah, so I 

Lily: was wondering, if there is a rematch, is it all new scenarios, or is it some Alan Moraine, whatever, is that just total nonsense 

Cole: and could be anything?

Lily: they love this game so much, they've got all their bespoke clumpings, , surely the tests are different.

Cole: I bet like game to game. you carry on in your box, maybe different challenges. Yeah, it's gotta be. 

Lily: Look, the Dungeon Master comes up 

Cole: with something new. The Dungeon Master preps the game by coming up with different challenges. But it's the same world. Definitely. thrilling world of purple doors and triangle tiles and girls playing hopscotch.

Lily: I would love to have seen it if they had a budget, you know? I 

Cole: But you know what? Hear me out. 

Lily: It's not what this show is 

Cole: about. Discovery and Strange New Worlds have budget. Yeah. But do they always have the heart that DS9 does? 

Lily: Well no, and look, [01:18:00] do think modern sci fi shows, what I in fi show.

I want really dumb monster of the week. I want this. This is what I want. I don't want a story arc continuing with like really high stakes through each episode 

Cole: you want Michael Burnham to sometimes have to play Hopscotch, but instead she is sobbing because she couldn't save the universe that week.

Totally. And I just don't care. yeah, with 90s Star Trek. They know how to let you breathe sometimes like even at the peak of the Dominion war They're playing baseball and I love it You got a place 

Lily: this Like you've got to be absolutely in the holodeck.

Yeah, just 

Cole: for sex Confirmed. which just reminds me that I think the next episode opens with someone playing every sex program in the holosuite. 

Which raises a valid point. Is Move Along Home anywhere close to the worst episode of the show? I, really don't think it is. Is it incredibly uncomplex? And, And pointless? 

Lily: Just silly and low stakes and [01:19:00] yes, possibly some of the worst costumes. 

Cole: But amazing hair. Yeah, apparently. One 

Lily: maybe the, the waddy women.

Cole: They had great hair. They did have great hair. And don't forget Kira's quail head. True. I think that might have done it. Yeah. Yeah, that might have sealed the deal. 

Lily: Alright, not get ahead of ourselves. 

Cole: Oh yeah. 

Lily: Fashion Watch! 

Cole: With a special focus on coiffeurs this episode.

Lily: Alright, tell me 

Cole: I'm gonna give the grand prize to Broik's chartreuse jacket and the overworked dabo girl's Russian figure skating outfit.

Right? 

Lily: Yeah! There's no =competition. Absolutely no competition. It's broic. Broic forever. 

Cole: I love his leopard print lime green. 

Lily: yeah, and the, resting bitch face, Darbo girl, with her 

Cole: Russian ice skating. Tobrogan, RBF Darbo girl, you win this week. Thank you. 

Lily: there's a part of me that wants to award that Emmy. LWadi, but it's just [01:20:00] terrible. 

Cole: So apparently, for the rest of the season, whenever Things just weren't going right.

when They were just trying their best to make something work And it just wasn't working someone would just say Alamarain, yeah, and everyone just knew exactly what they were talking about 

Lily: And we do and that makes me Think that the creators did know how garbage this was.

Cole: Yeah 

Lily: . um, what about prop watch? 

Cole: Prop watch, yeah, alright, favourite props. 

Lily: is it Sisko's 

Cole: No, because I don't want to live there. I want to drink alpha current from that olive oil flask. Me too. I think that's the winner. I'm glad you said that. 

Lily: So clan pigs, no. 

Cole: we never really learned any of their multiple uses. We could only speculate. I think we found some. We did find some. 

Alright friends, I think we need to spare you all from any more Wait! 

Lily: The Odyssey! Oh yes! 

Cole: Oh my god! Sorry! Alright, I have a theory. 

Lily: Hit me. Sisko is Odysseus trying to get home. Yep. [01:21:00] Obviously he has his crew with him. his wife, Penelope, waits at home. 

Cole: Jake. Jake is Penny. 

Lily: Jake is Penny. The suitors. The Or, Nog. Nog 

Cole: and the Bajoran women are trying to steal Jake from Sisko, but Jake steadfastly keeps wearing his 

Lily: chocolate onesies. He does. He will not don a baggy uniform. 

Cole: Those 

Lily: Bajoran women. 

Cole: I love it. 

Lily: Uh, that's all 

Cole: I have. I think it's beautiful. Which villain is Falla most? Like 

I just feel like he's Zeus. Yeah. And he kinda looks like Zeus. Yeah. He is. Got Zeus vibes, and really 

Lily: just like in it to kind of fuck shit up. 

Cole: He just had to mess with people. Yeah. He's like Zeus. is Odo Athena? Yes. desperately trying to help out? Didis from the sidelines.

Yeah. Odo's definitely Athena. Yeah, agreed. Trying to keep things together, trying to help the poor humans. and Rowena is, Rowena is Hera because , she's just serving some intense face.

We all know 

Lily: that was Hera's bit. 

Cole: Yeah. That's all she did. She just like [01:22:00] glared at Zeus the whole time and carried around clawn pigs. 

Cole: All right, so if you ever underestimate, if you ever misunderestimated Move Along Home, it's actually an epic poem, the likes of which we haven't seen since Homer walked this earth. 

Lily: Yeah. And you know what? 

Cole: What? 

Lily: I haven't even brought up Gilgamesh. But anyway, that's for next time, folks. 

Cole: I had Gilgamesh in my notes for last week. 

Lily: And we will again. 

Cole: The original Hero's Journey. And I guess they really went on a Hero's Journey this week. But they all made it out the other side, they all made it through that team weekend retreat. Team building exercise. I think Kira is now ready to fall backwards into Dax and Sisko's 

Lily: arms. Sisko's loving arms, and also Bashir 

Cole: is there. she's not ready to fall into Bashir's arms ever. Except in real life. Yep, and they're gonna smash and make a baby.

Come on, Nana. Hey Jango. Whoa. 

Lily: We don't have a weird thing with kids. Don't write into that. 

Cole: Jango's like 27 now. It's fine. 

 [01:23:00] 

Lily: Fair game. Yeah. Once again I'll say fair game on Jenko. Second time in this podcast, not the last. 

Cole: Alright 

Lily: I think it's time for me to move along home. Oh, 

Cole: weigh in with your hot takes and move along home at deepspacewine underscore podcast on Instagram. And tell all your friends about our new feature. 

Lily: Prop watch. Prop watch! The thing that nobody knew they needed. 

Cole: But now we all can't live without.

Lily: That's it, I feel like if this episode were a dead horse 

I kind of loved it! 

Cole: I had a blast. Come 

Lily: at me haters about this episode. 

Alamarain, motherfuckers, as Brace Willis said in Die Hard.

Cole: Goodnight, everyone. We wish you, happy rolls. may Odo's breath, [01:24:00] 

May Odo's breath bring you the best roles in life. may you elemorene with all your closest friends this year. 

Lily: To everyone, one 

Cole: and all. Theolo. bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. 

Lily: God, I am drunk.